Saturday, July 18, 2009

Has it all Revealed Itself to You?

My daughter is with her father tonight so I thought I would write. She is not there often. He is usually with his latest girlfriend.  He goes on and has met a series of potential partners, each one a little less promising then the last.  He started out thinking he was free of me and my disease and now every time I see him he is a little more broken and the women that he dates are a little more beaten scuffed up.  The first few women he dated smiled and shook my hand.  They wanted to spend time with my daughter.  Now they skulk into the shadows and hide their faces as soon as we appear.

He is afraid and I am not. 

I was told I was going to die.  My treatment was not working.  I met someone who believed I would live.  I worked with him and others around him.  I felt blessed and I let go. 

I lived.  

This is not meant to be a bitter post and I hope it does not sound that way.  My husband always scoffed at anything beyond the scope of what he could see.  He still does.  He thinks if he has a woman beside him that wants to have sex and if he makes 6 figures then it will all be okay.

I know different.  I have felt peace and tranquility and acceptance for a long time now.  I firmly believe it is why I am alive to spend mornings with my daughter as she gets ready for school. I know where to find beauty.  To answer my own has not all been revealed to me.  But I know if I work hard enough on myself and on my world it will be.

Monday, July 13, 2009

When One Door Closes

Another one opens.

I don't want you to think I am feeling sorry for myself.  

As soon as I knew I had breast cancer I knew my marriage was over.  My ex husband is a good man and he is a decent father but I knew that we did not have the intimacy necessary for me to share where my life was going on a deep level...and I knew that the thought of him being there for me in any real way was terrifying for him. We had both been lying to ourselves about who we were.  Cancer brings out truth.  Ugly, terrifying truth.

I was supposed to be dead now.  But I believed I would live.  I not only believed I would live  but I was taught how to live. I used to be Blind.  I went to work, I drove my daughter to her cello practice, I closed my eyes and made love, I closed my eyes and made it through the day.

I have grown so much over the past few years.  I am a fabulous mother, I am a single woman.  I am strong.  I have received the Message of Love and it has saved my life and it has changed everything.

I started this blog to get inspiration from others and to share my own inspiration. I have just started to write but already I am touched by what I have seen and the kindness that has been show me.  Thank you all!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

How do I start?

I guess I start by saying that a year ago I never thought I would be blogging. I had just survived a bout with cancer that I was sure would take my life. My Marriage had ended. I barely had enough energy to get up in the morning and see my daughter off to school. I went to get help and all I got were little pills that made me want to sleep even more.

I did find a way.

I found a way to thrive and be creative and love again.

I want to have a place to write about that so here I am....and I want to know who you are too. so if you are here say hi please! We all share the same universe!